petite anglaise

advice

28.06.2005 11:27 amnavel gazing

Over the past month my inbox has been groaning under a torrent of messages, from the caring and supportive to the damning and judgemental, with every shade in between. The comments box is only the tip of the iceberg. I have read more well-intentioned advice than I know what to do with.

Everybody sees a situation like mine in a different light, depending on what life has thrown at them; what kind of baggage they have picked up on the way. Sometimes the subject makes people distinctly uncomfortable: one friend I confided in seemed to find it impossible to talk about the breakdown of my relationship with Mr Frog without casting a slightly anxious eye over his own situation, almost squirming in his seat.

When people give me an insight into their own, similar, experiences, I have to tell myself to bear in mind that what worked for someone else, while it often makes interesting reading, can never be wholly relevant to what is happening in my life. Every situation is unique.

I’m not complaining. After all, when someone takes the time to type a long email to a person they have never met, it shows that they care enough to volunteer a point of view, write some kind words, or share their own, sometimes painful, experiences. I am very grateful for this, but endeavour all the same to take whatever is offered with a pinch of salt.

There are those who believe I should have “worked harder” to save my relationship with Mr Frog. Those who caution me against throwing myself headlong into a new relationship so soon, and advocate some time alone first, to adjust to the new status quo. To help Tadpole adjust. Those who are pessimistic, predicting that once the first flush of infatuation wears off, I will realise that I have made a terrible mistake. Those who advise me to keep Tadpole separate from the new adventure I am embarking on, for months, or even years. Those who feel the need to admonish me for having even contemplated leaving Tadpole’s father in the first place to selfishly pursue my own happiness. How dare I put myself first? What kind of a mother am I?

I reserve the right to put my hands over my ears like a child and chant loudly so that I can’t hear any of these words. I reserve the right to listen to my heart, and follow its lead, wherever it may take me.

Am I being selfish? Self-centred? Probably. I feel sure that I am doing what is best for everyone involved, but then I would, wouldn’t I? I wonder whether anyone can ever really be objective about their own motivations? Don’t we all feel tempted to tweak reality to fit in with our long term goals? To persuade ourselves that what we are doing is ultimately for the best?

All I know is this: I love, and I am loved. More deeply, on more levels, than I ever believed possible. I don’t really subscribe to notions like fate, or divine intervention, but I do marvel every day at the fact that I ever crossed paths with this person. I’ve found something, someone I didn’t even know I was waiting for, until now. I want to surrender myself to this feeling, to him, completely.

So don’t ask me to wait. Or take a break, and revisit this a few months down the line. It’s simply not an option for me. For us. I’m no fool, and I will force myself to tread carefully for the sake of my daughter’s well being. She is, and always will be, at the centre of my universe. Mr Frog will remain an important figure in my life too, both for Tadpole’s sake, and because I value him as a friend. But while I’m waiting, impatiently, for the next phase of my life to begin, taking small, measured steps towards it, I reserve the right to hug myself gleefully every time I think of the gorgeous things that my future holds. To laugh to myself in the metro. To smile at my monitor when I receive mail.

No dark cloud can leave a shadow on this.

44 comments

  1. You are so right….don’ t let anyone tell you not to think of yourself… I am in my 9th year of spending most of my time thinking of my kids or being with them when I’m not at work, and I can honestly and clearly say I wish I could do otherwise (for lots of reasons I cannot). My entire life seems to revolve around them, and it absolutely should not. A happy mom is a thousand times better than a pitifully pious one, doing what society expects of her. Go for it…

    by the way, what happened to your friends’ kittens???? !!

    magillicuddy | 11:53 am

  2. ah, the baby cats, they all found homes

    petite | 11:55 am

  3. Noone can live life for you, noone can understand what you’re feeling as well as you can. Those who are important and who truly care will see how happy you are and be satisfied with that. Those who pass judgement or predict doom, well, they can go (insert something painful here)…

    JAG | 12:18 pm

  4. Of course no one can fault anyone for desiring happiness, and we each know the best way to our own. However, we do not exist in a vacuum. By your own admission, you began seriously considering this other man while still with Mr Frog, without telling Mr Frog, and fully knowing where it could go with the other man. You waited until the potential with the new man was as certain as possible before finally being honest with Mr Frog. That is what I find worth criticizing. If your relationship was so bad with Mr Frog that you were willing to leave him, why didn’t you do it on your own? Why not respect his feelings enough to do that, rather than betray his trust? Why did you wait until you could conveniently step into a new relationship (yes, it is a beginning, but it’s already a firm one) before breaking it off? These are rhetorical questions for the most part.

    And if people are going to ask what baggage I bring, even though I dislike falling for the ad hominem fallacy (attacking the messengers rather than the message on its own merits), I broke off a six-year relationship with my own Mr Frog, alone. Without a new relationship – or even the shadow of a potential one – to fall back on. It’s been several months, I am still alone, and happier than I ever have been before; I got my life back. And I respected the trust and feelings of my ex in doing so.

    oaklie | 12:37 pm

  5. I could have written today’s posting myself, I really could. Good for you, is all I can say.

    I’ve also discovered a similar sort of happiness in the past few years, later in life than you but with a similar mix of enormous happiness and an awareness that I still have responsibilities and friendships in my ‘old world’ that I intend to respect.

    I can’t quite see why people feel a need to urge caution upon you, unless they’re relatives or close friends. We who know you simply through your writing should surely be uncritical?

    David H | 12:43 pm

  6. Very well spoken, Petite. Yes, very much loved & not just by Mr Mewman. As you say, there are different levels & various forms, and many who love your company. Fortunately, also, lots of us are content with this and happy to respond without feeling compelled to advise your next steps. Its your journey…… just glad to be able to share a bit of it with you! Life is very short.

    fella | 12:46 pm

  7. Oaklie – I don’t think I was consciously waiting for someone else to come along in order to make my decision about leaving, but as I say, can one ever really see these things objectively?

    The timing was what it was and yes, of course, it has undeniably made it easier for me, and harder for Mr Frog. I don’t honestly know when/whether I would have found the strength to go it alone without something giving me a push in the right direction. I’ll never know now.

    Again, our situations may seem similar on the surface, but I know nothing about what compelled you to leave, whether you were married, whether you had children, or what you would have done had you met someone very special at a crucial time. It’s easy to criticise in theory…

    And as for respect and betrayal of trust: my conscience is clear. But we all have our own set of values, don’t we?

    petite | 12:59 pm

  8. Thank you for being as honest with your readers as you were with Mr Frog, regardless of the consequences.

    sammy | 1:00 pm

  9. Well that told us. :)

    No seriously. I’m in a relationship with a guy from a completely different culture who lives on the other side of the world and I get very gloomy predictions off people. I tell myself that they say it because they’re too unimaginative or narrow minded to put themselves in my situation and that they think what is true for them is true for me.

    When you talked about your break up everyone filtered it through their own lives. I wondered how you felt about having turned into a blog soap opera and whether it would put you off blogging but I can see that it hasn’t.

    Bathsheba | 1:21 pm

  10. Been reading your blog for a while now – been a silent observer all along.. very well written, enjoy reading it. You mention chanting in your post, what do you chant ? Are you a part of any group ?

    Levis | 1:24 pm

  11. well, my advice to you is…

    just kidding. the only thing I have to say and I think I’ve said it to you before is that life is very short and can be even shorter than that. you know the rest. kisses from mozzie hell.

    ;)

    vit | 2:03 pm

  12. well said.
    it’s a cliché, but life is not a dress rehearsal. You have to live it. Every day.

    trine | 2:40 pm

  13. Yes I, too, can empathise but won’t bore everyone with the details.
    You wrote a lot of honest, down to earth commonsense despite being on a cloud so I reckon you’ll do the right thing for Tadpole and yourself. What else matters? – except the New Man -of course!!!

    Sandy Bootman | 2:58 pm

  14. Go for it, Petite. I did, and I will never regret it, either.

    Bad Hippie | 3:04 pm

  15. I don’t see why there would be any need for you to wait, or take a break. If you weren’t doing this in ’small, measured steps’ I’d be worrying – but you are. There is time in your life for Petite alone, for Petite and Tadpole, for Mr Frog – and for Petite with Mr Newman. I admire your ability to strike such a sensible balance between the urge to rush into the future and the need to manage competing demands in the present. And I’m glad that he is there to bring you so much joy.

    Zinnia Cyclamen | 3:19 pm

  16. You are an amazingly well-adjusted woman.

    And I’m not even going to add the “for someone who just broke off an important relationship” part. Because today’s post shows that that doesn’t even matter.

    I admire you.

    sarah | 3:27 pm

  17. Those who condemn you only seem to see the world in black and white.

    You will not bring up a happy child if you are unhappy yourself. You are a human being, not a baby making machine.

    You and Mr. Frog have moved on to the next phase of your relationship – that’s life.

    stressqueen | 3:41 pm

  18. Superb, uplifting. The quality of your writing just seems to get better and better. The joy you express goes to show that great art doesn’t have to come from miserable circumstances.

    Parkin Pig in shorts | 3:44 pm

  19. Always the best way to proceed is to listen to each and every piece of advice you are given, and then make up your own mind. Which seems to be exactly what you have done. I said this before but I think it bears repeating, tadpole will be better off with two happy parents that live apart than two miserable ones that live together. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to make sure your own life is as happy and balanced as possible, and to pray that Mr Frog will soon find the same.

    Alan | 3:49 pm

  20. Bravo… and ditto to Parkin Pig.

    the insider | 3:54 pm

  21. I’ve still not heard anything about my offer that everyone come and live with me in order that I may fully live the petite-opera experience. I extend that offer now to include all those who currently reside in Rennes (I’ve got plenty of room) Answers on a postcard please…

    Mavis | 4:30 pm

  22. to follow your heart, ma chere, is NEVER wrong. Sometimes not so easy but once you do it, you see there is no other way to live an authentic life. I came across a quote today by Annie Dillard that you might like: How we spend each day is how we spend our life. I think you spend yours very well.
    and thanks for standing up for the positive, btw.
    hugs,
    caroline

    caroline | 4:31 pm

  23. I think to leave anyone you’ve been with for 8 years requires a certain courage, regardless of what could be there for you. Well done for daring petite and not settling for something which was comfortable but not enough. After all life is what takes place while we are busy making other plans…

    May | 5:16 pm

  24. Sounds to me like you’re doing just fine. Nothing you’ve ever written seems to have been done without consideration for others but at the end ofthe day you must always be true to yourself. I’m glad you’re happy and that your future is looking so bright.

    sp999 | 5:19 pm

  25. You’re in love, you are well-adjusted enough to take your fans’ advice with a grain of salt AND you went to a blogger’s picnic? I think perhaps you should be the one doling out the unsolicited advice :)

    I’ll send you a list of my problems shortly…

    brando | 6:27 pm

  26. Aah, you ARE in love. I’ve reserved comment until now because I was waiting for this post, which I knew would come, from you. Bravo, Petite.

    MJ | 6:50 pm

  27. I dunno…being happy and all that…smiling…being courteous to your ex, caring of your child, and loving while being loved…those are all very disturbing behaviors! BUT having all of that and going to the picnic too, that is downright reprehensible!

    Bob | 7:31 pm

  28. I must admit, I agree with oaklie on many points, but I am not about to give you advice; we all live our lives and do what we do at any given time. As the old saying goes ‘you live, you learn’…

    But, perhaps, although you do not want the advice at all times, you do encourage – or rather leave yourself open to it – by holding up your private life for scrutiny on a blog? The public domain and all that s**t. I mean, Posh Spice can’t complain about someone taking her photo when she doesn’t want them to, can she?

    Riotstar | 8:09 pm

  29. Hell no!Don’t wait and don’t hesitate one half of a second,love,be loved,fall in love and stay in love with your lover.Live it up ’cause life is short and nobody deserve the bad.You deserve the best,both you.
    Cheers.

    GPV | 10:17 pm

  30. I have come to the conclusion that peopl who start sentences with the phrase “what you need to do is” are tools :)

    Ben | 12:39 am

  31. Are you going to move in with him? The distance must be excruciating!!! But you love Paris don’t you (when it’s not stinky hot) ?

    Maurine au bout du monde | 1:33 am

  32. Greetings from Australia. I have just discovered your blog and have had a lovely half hour racing through bits and pieces to get an idea of your story. Let me just say that I have really enjoyed the posts and also many of the very entertaining commenters.

    I hereby announce that I shall be a regular reader. I hereby announce that I will give no advice or make any judgements. If you want to hear my silly story you may have to make a visit to Feminoz but otherwise I won’t bore you with me, me, me in relation to what happens in your life. (That’s what other blogs are for..heh)

    I’d love to live in Paris. I’d love to visit Paris. I am a committed francophile, driving my family/ friends batty with my obsessive fasciantion with all things French.

    Just ask the man who I am trying to leave – Coco Chanel perfume is a very expensive habit. Over here anyways.

    Good luck with everything in your new life. What a roller coaster to be on! Have fun with it! Don’t listen to the nay-sayers….hang on, that was a little like advice wasn’t it? I’ll stop that, right now.

    Bella Ozfemme

    Bella Ozfemme | 2:59 am

  33. It’s funny, because in a book, when people cheat for love, you root for them. In real life, when people you know do the cheating, people are a lot more judgemental.

    Don’t get me wrong… I’m happy you’re in love. I just wish you’d done it for sex.

    nardac | 6:15 am

  34. have you ever heard the song Les divorcés by Michel Delpech? http://membres.lycos.fr/baltaro/delpech.htm

    marion | 9:00 am

  35. GO YOU. You definitely have your head & your heart in the right place – to hell with what anyone else thinks…this is YOUR life.

    Valkyrie | 9:04 am

  36. stressqueen wrote: “Those who condemn you only seem to see the world in black and white.”

    While I am happy for petite, and admittedly in no small part because of the personal relevance of her choices, I sometimes feel pangs of fear that I think are reflected in people’s naysaying. The flipside of the excitement and sheer joy of being the one in love is the anguish and pain of the one being left. And I think sometimes of how dreadful it would be if I was the one being told, “hon, I’ve found someone else, and I knew YOU would understand.” Encouraging couples to stick together through thick and thin does promote stability, a societal safety net even if it smothers out individual gratification.

    There’s no black and white, only shimmering and murky shades of grey.

    jin-ah | 9:22 am

  37. Smiling right along with you, petite, and so glad you’ve done what’s right for YOU. True love is a wonderful thing snd sometimes we find it in the strangest places. Ask me how I know.

    christina | 12:50 pm

  38. Delurking, to say that I will not give advice either… I am enjoying your writing, and the snapshots of Paris and your life. Just wondering if you would have been as open with the new developments in your life if your new love had not been related to blogging. Or could he not NOT have been?

    seldom | 2:06 pm

  39. Well – I am an English man who lives in France who has recently been left by his wife.. I am now very happily in love with another girl, but I have some advice that helped me and may help your Mr Frog.. Please pass it on if you can.. It helped me through the bad times..

    1) Take it one day at a time – don’t expect anything, and don’t try to think too far ahead

    2) Stay calm – don’t be abrasive
    3) Keep off the booze – obviously related to rule 2

    4) Realise you cannot change the past – and even if you had done things differently the outcome might have been the same

    5) Look after yourself first – the children will be ok, and they definitely will not be ok if you aren’t..

    I also think it is important to cry about it – if he doesn’t do that now he probably will later, at a time when a new girlfriend might not understand.

    I have three children with my ex-wife, and now live very close by, and hope all will work out for her as well as for me. She was having an affair and I definitely felt betrayed and hurt – but these things do happen, and many people go through many worse things and survive..

    Be strong Mr Frog.. This is a new beginning, not an end..

    And good luck to you too Petite, but look after his kid and treat him fairly..

    Nicholas | 3:20 pm

  40. My advice to you is don’t listen to other people’s advice!

    Greg | 6:05 pm

  41. Well, advice is probably precisely the reason I haven’t commented for ages. Not a big advice-giver – what do I know about anything???

    Anyway, I have been reading and thinking about you and hoping that everything is going well and am glad that it seems to be so far…

    kjr | 10:55 pm

  42. Well put, Petite…for all those tools out there going on about ‘not judging’ note that it is not on PA’s wishlist – a sign of her superior intelligence relative to many comment leavers.
    It’s like the OC, you raise lots of important issues in a fun way, and you have made us care about all the characters. Obviously most readers will be intent on doing a lot of yes, judging on the unfolding story and deciding which character they like most etc. What on earth would a story be without it?

    dan | 3:59 am

  43. Really moving post. You are right to take ownership of what heppens to you. Good luck with your new relationship.

    Anne | 12:10 pm

  44. Don’t want to give you advice or anything that could be considered as advice …it’s just that one has built up an idea of you and mr frog in domestic bliss and all of a sudden there’s CB guy, who is probably really great, but one feels a certain attachment to familiar faces..or rather names..which may account for all the advice..or is that too obvious?

    Rivka | 5:15 am