I fell into a hole yesterday.
Not literally, of course.
Despite the fighting talk in my last post, despite the fact that my lover is coming to stay with me for two weeks while Tadpole is away on vacation with mamie et papy, I suddenly felt overwhelmingly sad. Fragile. Brittle. Exhausted.
I knew it was a temporary bout of depression, and that I wasn’t seeing things clearly, but that didn’t help. I couldn’t find my way out.
Tadpole was adorable. She saw me crying silent tears and came to give me a big hug. She fetched a tissue for my runny nose (I have a summer cold – it is not helping).
“Mummy’s tired. Mummy fait dodo on di bed,” she said, maternally, climbing up onto my bed and motioning for me to join her.
Not that I would actually be allowed to sleep. I’d barely closed my eyes when she screeched “WAKE UP!”, only milimetres from my right ear.
I opened my eyes, pretending to have been woken with a jump, and Tadpole thought this was so hilarious that we had to repeat the exercise at least ten times.
There is nothing worse than finding yourself unable to muster up even the ghost of a smile when you are playing with your child.
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petite anglaise 
Sometimes a hug is all you need. I do feel for you, petite, I hope you see some light at the end of the tunnel soon. Chin up!
Comment by Gab — July 22, 2005 @ 10:38 am
I fell into a hole for completely different reasons yesterday so can feel with you in your brittle, fragile state. So much change going on for you – plus the nonsense at work it’s hardly surprising. Tadpole sounds quite a gal!
Comment by jj — July 22, 2005 @ 11:13 am
I think we can safely say that my needs will be catered for in that department.
Which is why I know the feeling will only be temporary…
Comment by petite — July 22, 2005 @ 11:49 am
Thankgod for that then ! A newman and no sex now that would be a really SERIOUS problem
Comment by P in France — July 22, 2005 @ 12:00 pm
I disagree with the last line of your post. I think it could have been worse. You could have been unable to muster the necessary energy and/or willingness even to play the game with Tadpole. But you did – and, given your state of mind at the time, I think that does you enormous credit.
Comment by Zinnia Cyclamen — July 22, 2005 @ 12:09 pm
Cheer up petite – at least you’re not in London… http://news.bbc.co.uk/
Comment by Mavis — July 22, 2005 @ 12:57 pm
Well quite, I would hate to live in London right now. I can’t help feeling it is only a matter of time before it starts happening here too…
Comment by petite — July 22, 2005 @ 1:54 pm
Things are strange in London right now – everyone says “we’re fine we’re fine” but this morning there were half the number of people usually in the tube & all day over my central London office helicopters rush overhead and sirens blare past – making everyone look at each other in panic. Maybe we should all move to Paris?
Comment by Mavis — July 22, 2005 @ 2:17 pm
Hang in there, petite. It will get better, and soon. Your readers are pulling for you.
Comment by Thomas W. Bickle — July 22, 2005 @ 5:21 pm
Yet another person who lurks but doesn’t comment usually.
My kids had a way of caring for me, when I wailed about why do I always have to cope on my own (as a single mum). They always say “because you are the mummy”. It’s become a family joke, and they admit it’s unfair, but it defines our relationship.
It does also gives me a pat on the back to think they do feel they can rely on me being strong enough to cope, as the rest of the time we try to share things as much as we can.
But it is hard coping with as much change as is happening in your life, petite.
Comment by helene — July 22, 2005 @ 5:57 pm
Chin up, j-lo-bum-queen. When life gets really shitty, you know it can only get better, and it’s not just sex… though that’s nice. I’m coming back on the 9th, and we’ll have a proper chat *drinkfest* then.
My suggestion is that you go job hunting, first thing, August 15th, and stop whining about your job. Think of it pro-actively, like switching up. You’ll probably get something juicy, knowing your talent and experience.
Comment by nardac — July 22, 2005 @ 6:00 pm
One thing I discovered while raising four kids and multiple nieces and nephews is that you have to be careful about what you do to make them laugh. You will ALWAYS get tired of doing it WAY before they get tired of watching you do it. :)
Hope your depression passes and that life takes on a rosey glow for you!
Comment by Bob — July 22, 2005 @ 6:16 pm
You have had a lot going on. It’s natural to suddenly fall apart a little. Having to smile is the best therapy. Tadpole will help knowingly and unknowingly ;-) After downs come ups. It’s a cycle. Good luck.
Comment by Sarah — July 22, 2005 @ 6:18 pm
Sometimes though there aren’t fixes and you just have to wade through but whatever you do it’s important to keep moving forwards.
Comment by Greavsie — July 22, 2005 @ 10:02 pm
Even good change is stressful, and you’re dealing with changes of all kinds right now. Here’s hoping you’re feeling more upbeat soon!
Comment by Bluegrass Mama — July 22, 2005 @ 10:27 pm
petite,
Hang in there! I agree with everyone who said that you need a new job! I know it is always a pain to dust off the CV. But you might end up with a much better work situation, and you’ll wonder why you didn’t leave sooner.
Elle
Comment by Elle — July 23, 2005 @ 12:50 am
I really hope you feel better. And I’m sure things will work out.
I really enjoy reading about your everyday emotions and situations. It’s more “real” than a lot of other things. I guess I just wanted to say thanks for being so honest.
Comment by juliana — July 24, 2005 @ 3:56 am
How sweet of her.
I’d just like to say, NICE BLOG.
P.S. Uh huh…. DEATH. TO. SPAMMERS.
Comment by Rose — July 24, 2005 @ 12:55 pm
When I feel down in the dumps it is almost always related to money or the fact that I don’t have six pack abs – so I go spend some money that I don’t have on some food that will keep me from having six pack abs and instantly I feel better.
Comment by eddo — July 24, 2005 @ 11:19 pm
Yes, there is. Not playing with your child. Hang on, it will pass.
Comment by Bella Ozfemme — July 25, 2005 @ 6:38 am
At least you’re in love. With a great man. So it should only be temporary as you said but it’s nonetheless painful. Take good care of yourself and let your new man take good care of you!
When I split up with my ex-husband, the hole felt terribly deep as I was on my own (no new lover and parents not talking to me anymore). As a matter fo fact, I kept having the same dream at that time where I was climbing a ladder and half way through I would fall backwards indefinitely… No need for a psychiatric degree to get the meaning!
But as hard as it was and as much I thought I’ll never feel better, I have after a few months and it made me stronger.
Comment by Maurine au bout du monde — July 25, 2005 @ 7:01 am
Hi there, I found your blog because I was reading another blog about julie burchill and you know i clicked and click so I am here, but where’s the post about julie???
Comment by Jazz — July 25, 2005 @ 12:06 pm
um, you’ve got me there, I have no idea what link you clicked on, but I have never mentioned her, to my knowledge. A commenter may have done..?
Comment by petite — July 25, 2005 @ 12:20 pm
Falling into a hole – it’s really the most apt description, isn’t it? I’ve taken to using it myself, because it’s so much less clinical than some terms. It seems to sound … oh, I don’t know … right, somehow, even when the whole thing can be so wrong.
I hope you find the ladder to climb out soon.
Comment by Vaughan — July 25, 2005 @ 6:18 pm