petite anglaise

sunday

03.06.2007 3:11 pmmills & boon, single life

My hair, hanging over the edge of the bed, almost touches the floor, brushing against the overflowing ashtray, no doubt. My legs are outstretched, the soles of my feet pressed against the cool white wall above. Without my glasses, my toes are blurred and indistinct. I stretch out my arm slowly, squinting at my hand, eyes narrowed, gauging how far I can see the wrinkles around my knuckles before they, too, recede from view.

I have no desire to move, or dress. Music washes over me, and I close my eyes and let a reel of images play in a loop inside my head.

I see the one who got away, sitting on his balcony, unable to meet my eyes. “Je t’adore,” he says, his unspoken “mais…” hanging heavy in the air between us. I can’t look at him. My eyes are burning. He doesn’t want me in the way I want him too. He never will. There is no explanation for this; I must simply accept it.

He will never see me like this: languid, almost purring with contentment, clouée au lit in a pleasant torpor. He may have slipped in and out of my dreams last night, but something tells me that I’ve turned the corner now. He won’t inhabit my nights for long.

“A quoi tu penses?” asks the lovely, uncomplicated boy by my side, fingers softly grazing my thigh.

“Oh… Rien de très important. Juste à un truc que j’ai envie d’écrire…” I murmur.

106 comments

  1. for some reason I never pegged you as a smoker…

    rochelle | 3:14 pm

  2. I’m not.

    petite | 3:28 pm

  3. Does this mean the WWSWPA group was successful?? *S*

    samantha | 3:39 pm

  4. Unrequited passion is the worst. Enjoy your distraction!

    stressqueen | 3:45 pm

  5. Foxtress!!

    rhino75 | 3:50 pm

  6. Carpe diem! :-D

    Dan Dx | 4:11 pm

  7. That’s the Sunday morning many of us have.

    Jean-Luc Picard | 4:31 pm

  8. This was a bit sad…in a good way. Well, I mean, not sad in a bad way. Love can be so difficult, sometimes, and it’s such a risk to put yourself out there…

    But, I think the rewards make it all worth it.

    Mlle Smith | 5:52 pm

  9. You may have feelings tinged with sadness but you are FREE. Enjoy it - its better than making the wrong choice of a longterm partner and regretting it.

    sablonneuse | 6:42 pm

  10. I can’t help it, i really like your mills&boon series…

    reinette | 6:42 pm

  11. That was beautifully sad. A really eloquent post, petite.

    Julie | 6:43 pm

  12. How odd… I, too, awoke this morning thinking of one who got away (at least you got a “…mais” to your face despite him not looking you in the eye; mine just evaporated without a trace). And I also realized I must have turned a corner, as evidenced by me giving my phone number to a French boy 12 years younger than myself, and having him actually CALL last night to ask me out for later on this week.

    But tant pis pour me, I did NOT wake up to find the same consolation prize. Lucky girl, you! Bon dimanche, indeed!

    The Bold Soul | 6:47 pm

  13. gosh that’s a bit racy for a sunday evening

    chris | 7:14 pm

  14. We like lovely and uncomplicated!

    Lost in France | 7:47 pm

  15. Spending Sunday in bed with sexy French men…How I envy you petite!

    Helen | 7:50 pm

  16. Sad yet content at the same time; it’s a very comfortable feeling. As the song said: “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

    Happy mornings!

    Moses | 7:56 pm

  17. I can hardly be the only reader who wishes to hear every scrumptious detail of your night of passion.

    Bring it, girl!

    John Bullshit | 8:45 pm

  18. Good for you…go on girl!

    jenny | 9:02 pm

  19. Unrequited love is sad but you have done the right thing. Like that old saying goes, when you fall off a horse, get back on and start riding ;-)

    sugar007 | 9:24 pm

  20. Maybe it’s because I’m worried about my french exam on tuesday, or maybe it’s just that I have a terrible passion for grammar (I’m thinking the former) but I’m going to ignore the exciting implications of your post and instead ask: You can use adorer in reference to love for a person? I’ve always thought it suggested more love for an object.

    Tom | 12:18 am

  21. mais… one of the most powerful and irritating word… ;)

    Emmanuel Vivier (Culture-Buzz.com & BuzzParadise.com) | 12:20 am

  22. being ‘clouée au lit’ by an uncomplicated boy, while not the desired course, isn’t a bad result.
    Very evocative, Petite.

    AussieGil | 3:20 am

  23. I love when they’re uncomplicated.

    Rodger | 3:37 am

  24. I often blog about turning corners. Yet when I look back at those posts I realise I was more consumed by the problem than ever before. I really wanted to be past it but didn’t know how to get there.

    I hope you are different. You deserve a happy ending.

    Suze | 7:10 am

  25. Very beautiful writing - describing the moment where everything changes though all seems the same from the outside. Wonderful contrast… sorry you wrote it first otherwise I would have used it. All the best

    Peder | 10:17 am

  26. Minx! With this post you have of course just informed l’homme sur le balcon qui t’adore mais…that you’ve scored with another mec.
    Beware the effects of secondary smoking on your ladyparts.

    parkin pig | 10:23 am

  27. “You can use adorer in reference to love for a person? I’ve always thought it suggested more love for an object.”

    @Tom –> ‘adorer’ s’utilise originellement pour une idole (pense au veau d’or). Par extension s’utilise fréquemment pour des personnes comme pour des objets.

    le ‘je t’adore … mais …’ est l’exacte traduction du ‘i like you a lot … but i don’t see you this way’

    qui est le plus souvent suivi par le non moins célèbre ‘i think i better call you a cab’ (ce qui donne en français ‘tu crois que tu vas pouvoir attraper le dernier métro ?)

    selavy

    selavy | 10:36 am

  28. That’s the spirit!

    Damian (WWSWPA support crew) | 1:23 pm

  29. A very sad post. It will make great literature PA.

    Could it be that the mais comes from a reluctance to get involved with what is now a burgeoning reputation as a serial shagger?

    oxo | 1:50 pm

  30. I am not a “serial shagger”. Not that it is any of your business, but I have been with one person only in the last six months.

    So there.

    petite | 1:53 pm

  31. I hold it true, whate’er befall;
    I feel it, when I sorrow most;
    ‘Tis better to have loved and lost
    Than never to have loved at all.

    Steve... | 2:00 pm

  32. Oooooh no missus. Not on your nelly.

    nobby | 2:12 pm

  33. >> One person in 6 months

    I believe you, but that is not the impression a reader of this blog goes away with. You are certainly building an impression which is different from reality. Take care liebchen ;)

    oxo | 2:30 pm

  34. I got my manhood stuck in a box of corn flakes once. Now I’m known as a cereal shagger.

    Ho ho.

    nobby | 2:32 pm

  35. Thanks for a delightfully written vignette.

    Oxo, what effing century are you in? That’s a ridiculous thing to say.

    Alan | 3:23 pm

  36. sounds remarkably like my sunday - although my jeune homme is from huddersfield so not quite as exotic!

    Ellie | 3:28 pm

  37. oxo thats a bit rude and uncalled for!
    Sometimes the “mais” is just that…and there is no explanation for it. We’ve all been on the receiving end and the giving end…and if we haven’t then we havent lived.
    I’m starting to listen to two word’s someone told me once when my stomach was in constant knots over a “one that got away” and they were “It’ll pass”
    And it does….eventually.
    I’m really glad you have turned a corner. I love your writing and it’s real and true to you. I’d say chin up but sounds like you dont need it, plus that’s one hell of a way to spend a sunday!

    Maz | 3:41 pm

  38. good to see you on friday and obviously this make me giggle ;)

    schuey | 3:48 pm

  39. Looking forward to the next installment!

    Sally Lomax | 3:56 pm

  40. I’m a little scared of lovely, uncomplicated boys …… give me a big beast of a man any day - aaahhh!!

    Sarah | 4:42 pm

  41. The love of your life may not want you anymore, but you can bet your bottom life they don’t want anyone else to have you either! These days I just love loving myself and it’s funny men just seem to fall at my feet. Oh, it’s time to play….

    Dympna | 4:43 pm

  42. How i long to have an uncomplicated boy at my side instead of my *very* complicated husband, [sigh]…..

    Blanche Bella | 4:51 pm

  43. I read this post with babelfish open in another window. I think I am going to have to learn French.

    Petite, I can barely remember Sunday mornings such as that, I have been married far too long. Sounds divine.

    Kaycie | 4:56 pm

  44. Beautiful prose. What I find so fantastic is that, despite my deplorable and ever-fading French, I found the dialog understandable, simply from the context. I can’t wait for the book to come out. ;)

    And oxo (and I know I shouldn’t feed the trolls, but they do rankle so..), have you been reading the same blog the rest of us have? The leap you’ve taken in your assumption is mind-boggling and inexplicable.

    jen | 5:22 pm

  45. @jen et al.

    I stand by my comment that this blog creates the impression that p is leaping from partner to partner with gay abandon. You don’t have to read back many weeks to spot that.

    My point is that men don’t want to stick with girls who have that reputation, whether deserved or not. It may be an old fashioned idea, but we are all bilogically hard-wired to be selective in that way.

    And I could say that the evidence supports my point. Petite is an intelligent, articulate, and quite beautiful girl. There must be some reason the hommes don’t stick around.

    oxo | 6:16 pm

  46. I really do think you have been reading a different blog.

    Jim in Rennes left a year ago (and later changed his mind, but it was too late for me). In between I think I have referred to one fling (late spring 2006), one online dating experience, and recently I wrote two separate posts about the same person. For most of this past year I’ve been too busy dealing with all the upheaval in my life to even think about men.

    I’ll grant you that I may be a tease (on this blog), but you seem to be the only one taking things quite so literally!

    petite | 6:22 pm

  47. > literally

    I take your point and will fade away now, except for…

    ..appearances are everything.

    oxo | 6:31 pm

  48. Petite, pay little mind. Men create double standards for women & sex. Its OK for them to jump around, not commit and then finally make honest women out of us without reproach. However when we do the same?

    I need to follow your lead, its time for me to have a love affair or even a short affair just to heat things up a bit.

    chantel | 7:19 pm

  49. Hi Petite,
    I’ve just come back from France. This morning, I was listening to ‘les infos de 8 heures’ on ‘Le Mouv” radio when, surprise, surprise, they talked about you, and you were, once more, interviewed. Well done! Congratulations! I really hope that a French publisher will buy the rights to your book!
    NINE COUNTRIES?? Tell us, what other countries have bought the rights, apart from the UK, the USA and Canada?

    Lotus Flower | 7:31 pm

  50. Oh. Gosh. I recorded that ages ago then promptly forgot about it.

    So: Germany, Netherlands, Italy, Finland, Poland, Israel…

    for now.

    petite | 7:46 pm

  51. I think oxo is just a nonsensical pity.
    First PA just does whatever she likes with her life, second she just tells whatever she likes on her blog, and third we are all biologically hard-wired (!) to prefer healthy and energetic partners rather than depressed, unsociable or over-hoping ones.
    You’re a poor thing if you start a significant relationship with the idea that your beloved one, whatever her past, will throw you away any time like a paper handkerchief. Seems to me it tells something about your self-esteem.

    Yogi | 7:51 pm

  52. Oxo, if appearances are everything then does that make you a prudish ass?

    You tell ‘im, Petite. Besides which even if you WERE a serial (or cereal) shagger, where do other people get off telling you not to get off?

    And I’m still laughing at Nobby (#34).

    The Bold Soul | 7:54 pm

  53. Christ Petite, it’s been years since I’ve purred with contentment. What the hell did the young boy do? Do tell, so that we may inform our husbands and all let out a collective miaow…

    Welsh Cake | 8:01 pm

  54. Petite,
    Qui va traduire ton livre en français ?
    (I will, of course :) - I’m the best, you know? Call me or tell them to call me!)

    Love to read you,
    Take care,
    L.

    Traductrice | 8:54 pm

  55. I agree that oxo’s comments are ridiculous. But it must be hard for guys to date you and know they may be fodder for PA’s next post. I can’t help thing this blog is a filter on some level.

    This said I envy you, Petite. My kids are now old enough to sometimes sleep late on Sundays, but my DH bounds out of bed at first light, lol. Somehow on Sunday mornings that doesn’t seem so funny.

    spud | 12:39 am

  56. Ah. But. What have I actually told you about the men in question? Or boys? I mean, really? All you know is what was going on inside my head at a given time.

    I’ve yet to meet a guy who had a problem with what I do…

    petite | 12:50 am

  57. methinks oxo has a slight case of misogyny!

    rdestinationmetz | 5:48 am

  58. Look. You were purring with contentment. That is one hell of a sunday morning. If you don’t believe me, please, go and have four children and get back to me in a few years. I’m envious!

    Jennifer | 6:27 am

  59. I’m very jealous of your writing style. Not to mention you bi-lingualism. You have a style that is playful, and captures the sort of mental musings we all have. You’re also funny, when the situation allows.

    I’ve been checking back everday since your last post, as I appear to have become a recent (discoverer of your work) fan.

    Keep it up.

    Statto | 8:27 am

  60. *purring*

    I like flattery almost as much as I like 29 year old boys.

    petite | 9:06 am

  61. Lovely & elegant writing as always. Curious about this boy stuff as I’ve seen it with friends who’ve met slightly younger men. You seem to be rebranding Petite as an older, wiser person? A Mrs Robinson d’aujourdhui?

    john | 9:38 am

  62. I’m not *that* much older.

    I’m mulling over whether I like the fact that you think of petite as a brand, or not (!)

    petite | 10:06 am

  63. Please stop writing blogs like this. Especially ones that mention your thigh. You have no idea what a distraction it is……

    Tom

    Tom A | 10:48 am

  64. I agree with Tom. It’s somewhat distracting to hear about that (especially when you are a 29 year old man…)

    Jack | 11:10 am

  65. If you cant be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.

    Insider | 12:12 pm

  66. I think that oxo has a crush on you.

    gucci | 12:16 pm

  67. Alas,not just oxo

    R MacLean | 2:34 pm

  68. Nice to see Insider is a fan of Stephen Stills.

    Not so nice that some of the comments seem to be from dirty old men. Why is that?

    nobby | 3:12 pm

  69. so “sunday” guy and the “pulse of hope” guy are not jim in rennes??

    kara | 3:28 pm

  70. Re: Boys “I’m not *that* much older.”

    Anne Bancroft was only six years older than Dustin Hoffman when the The Graduate was filmed. Here’s to you Mrs. Robinson! :)

    xl | 3:49 pm

  71. Clearly a premium, aspirational brand.

    john | 4:27 pm

  72. I would have thought calling someone ‘uncomplicated’ is a tad patronising. Why not just say thick?

    nobby | 5:00 pm

  73. Petite, I have never written a comment before although I am a complete fan of your writing - I get a thrill every time I log on and find a new post. Your slices of life are tantalising and beguiling. And although as readers we assume we know more about you than we do - it completely baffles me when I read the comment boxes and there appear to be so many out there who apparently misunderstand or misread your posts.

    I think they are beautifully and intelligently composed.

    I admire and applaud your honesty - why anyone would criticise you is beyond me when you are prepared to open your heart and soul. I would like some of your ‘commenters’ to be brave enough to reveal their selves so publicly.

    Yours in anticipation of the next installment …

    Anne | 5:41 pm

  74. wait, i am confused, too - if it has only been one person in the last six months, was it a long time ago that you shagged the Pulse of Hope guy (before getting the farewell speech), then?

    and a 29-year-old man is a boy these days? intriguing.

    chupa | 6:06 pm

  75. Oh dear. Now my head is spinning.

    “Pulse of hope” was about someone (not Jim in Rennes) who I met last month and did not sleep with (read it again, did I say I did?)

    “Uncomplicated” is not intended to be patronising, and I would never use one person to get over another - I have to like someone, rather a lot, to be with them in that way.

    Clearer?

    petite | 6:27 pm

  76. Is there a ‘mais’? Are you sure? Has he said there is?

    I mean you can never tell…

    Anyway…sounds like a great Sunday. I love spending Sundays in bed…

    I think I may be in the wrong job.

    Yellow | 7:51 pm

  77. Hey, Petite.

    I think there are some rather lovesick men hanging on your every written word.

    I know exactly what I would do with a 29 year old boy that I like very much. Well, figuratively anyway.

    Have a wonderful time. You deserve it.

    Kaycie | 7:52 pm

  78. Phew! That’s a relief ;)

    @gucci — Yes!

    oxo | 8:09 pm

  79. I must say, I absolutely agree with Oxo. What an outrage! A single mother should not be so selfish as to have a gratifying sex life. She should live the respectable life of a matron.

    And anyway, how come you get to have hot sex with all these gorgeous, Frenchmen and I don’t?

    Zerlina | 8:24 pm

  80. In the real world one should be able to forgive AND forget. But at times it is difficult when a bewildered mind blends past and present. Songs like “Sometimes We Cry” by Van The Man gives you solace or, maybe not …

    Ellen | 8:59 pm

  81. enjoy the time with your uncomplicated boy. they are hard to find

    Donta | 9:04 pm

  82. Seems to me Oxo has a point. This post made me feel a bit squeamish too, and it’s not because I’m a mysogynist. If Petite wants to make her life look racy, she shouldn’t get all indignant if some of us assume that it really is.

    *steels herself for torrent of abuse from the groupies

    Claire

    Claire | 10:47 pm

  83. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, Claire, and I think I was probably aiming to unsettle, so I don’t think anyone should insult you. Oxo was entitled to his opinions too, but I didn’t like the way he expressed them…

    To be honest, my mum didn’t like this post much either. The word “sordid” was used… Along with “Oh Catherine!”

    petite | 10:51 pm

  84. Hello Petite,
    There’s stg I’ve been meaning to tell you: imagine the one who got away didn’t. Both of you would now be together and…things wouldn’t be so exciting. No uncomplicated young man sharing your bed. Those who get away tear our hearts apart, but luckily there’s some good being alone as there’s some good being with someone. Enjoy yourself now, once you find the right person the excitement will be over but there will be something else, love.
    (I disagree with Oxo’s opinion about the reason the guy adored you “mais”. (like what does he know ? ) but I did get things wrong too ( not that it shocked me at all). I thought you spent the night together, I imagine you played on words and there ambiguity.)

    In sadness there’s beauty. Baudelaire said something about turning mud to gold.

    Katioschka.

    katioschka | 11:17 pm

  85. sorry, that should have read “misogynist”.

    Claire | 11:24 pm

  86. I’m wondering if the pulse-of-hope tee-shirt night may have coincided with the melted iron episode. Can’t think of a better excuse to show up for a fourth date with silk undies at the ready!

    And you certainly deserve a bit of uncomplicated purring now and again, despite all the harrumphing.

    Peg | 12:27 am

  87. Petite, Does your mum read your blog??? Does that affect the content especially if in the back of your mind you know she might see it? As I can imagine that no parent really wants to know about their child’s ’sex’ life even if they are adults.

    sugar007 | 12:27 am

  88. Hello!

    I’m a recent reader of your blog and it quickly became one of my favourite readings.

    This post is so melancholic,the calm beauty,but also nostalgic sunday morning…I really understand what you mean and I hope your present relationship may bring you happiness!

    Coralina | 12:38 am

  89. Did I miss some link in the chain? When did Jim in Rennes want to come back? Or was that private?

    varske | 12:45 am

  90. Petite said, “To be honest, my mum didn’t like this post much either. The word “sordid” was used… Along with “Oh Catherine!””

    *LOL* Yeah, I get the same exclamation when I say something that my mum doesn’t want to hear too. (Sometimes just for the Hell of it >:) I think it’s an English mothers’ thing.

    bonkers | 6:30 am

  91. claire, fair enough, but what I found misogynist about oxo’s comments was him saying that women who had “been around” and that men wouldn’t stick around because of that, an archaic notion or what! Personally I found that outrageous and offensive on a number of levels, as if we’re all supposed to be infibulated virgins or some such!

    destinationmetz | 7:19 am

  92. Ah - I see. It’s a very relative notion. Your(slightly younger) 29 year old is a boy but my (much younger) 29 year old is very definitely a man. I wonder what makes the difference - aaahhh.

    Serendipity | 9:29 am

  93. “I like flattery almost as much as I like 29 year old boys.”
    I’ll take that as a compliment, thanks!

    “…my mum didn’t like this post much either. The word “sordid” was used… Along with “Oh Catherine!””
    I refuse to believe that your mum doesn’t call you Petite.

    Hywel Mallett | 10:37 am

  94. destinationmetz:

    Please don’t invent quotes of something I did not say. I am qualified by virtue of biology to comment on what men will think and do. You do not have that opportunity.

    You can disagree with anything I write, but to start name calling is pathetic.

    oxo | 11:50 am

  95. Destinationmetz: though we may find that type of male thinking archaic/outrageous/offensive (and as far as I’m concerned they can think what they like; I was uneasy about the post for different reasons), it does exist, and Oxo was not incorrect in pointing that out, surely?

    His tone could have been better, but that’s a separate issue.

    Claire | 12:46 pm

  96. Sigh, I too made the mistake of sending my mother the URL of my blog. With any luck, she’ll forget about it.

    Last week I asked her if she’d read my POTW nomination, as I was a little bit chuffed and excited. We want their approval so badly, even as adults- so sad. I got, “No. The thing is, you expect everyone to be as excited about your blog as you are”

    Ouch!

    new reader, btw. Liking lots.

    Misssymartin | 5:19 pm

  97. oxo, everyone has the right to be happy.
    if jumping from one bed after another is
    how petite could achieve it, it’s her choice.
    as long as she’s responsible enough not to spread any communicable disease. and, of course she has
    has to consider her daughter. will parading with different man will set a good example to her daughter?

    but the bottomline here is…just mind your own business!

    patricia an tay | 5:59 am

  98. Such a somnolent post! I absolutely loved it, thank-you…

    A question: did the ‘uncomplicated’ French boy end up on the receiving end of a ‘mais’, or was that how he was uncomplicated?

    Ben | 11:47 am

  99. “Racy” petite, eh *lol* ? Ah well, whatever. Anyway, very nicely written post. If anybody still wants to compare you to H. Fielding, he should read this. Well done.

    mbast | 6:12 pm

  100. oh my delicious, cotton candy spun Petite! As long as YOU know the truth of your life, is it alright if we imagine or read into it what we like???? I (being a 30 something, married mother) would most like to imagine you, and therefore me as I live vicariously through you, going through life sampling men as one would gelato in Rome with tiny little spoons. I simply can’t bear the comments where you assure the offended reader it just isn’t true!! Maybe some readers would like you to remain a pillar of morality. I would far rather you left me, as a reader, with a contented sigh and the scent of many flavors of gelato, or rather men, on my imagined breath.

    beaunejewels | 10:18 pm

  101. If there are those here that think that Petite’s post is “unsettling,” or what-have-you, then take a stroll over to “Girl With A One Track Mind.” Her blog will give you something to soil your knickers…….;-) (Nice writing on this one petite….)

    Dave of the Lake | 1:46 am

  102. “clouee au lit” = nailed to the bed?
    Translation, please!

    Belle | 8:24 am

  103. Also, what is the meaning of the blue box w/a symbol preceding my name?*

    *Yes, I am aware that I am a total web dolt! Laugh away…*

    Belle | 8:33 am

  104. BTW it’s not just the British mums who get riled up over their daughter’s blogs. I’ve got a mom back in New Jersey who periodically rakes me over the coals about my blog if I write anything even REMOTELY suggestive of a sex life. And I’m over 40!

    Our mothers will always be who they are; they think it’s their job to censor us and make us into lovely, polite ladies. My mother will laugh like crazy if someone else tells her an off-color joke but if *I* do it, she has to act all shocked and disapproving.

    Uh-oh, Petite… best remember this when Tadpole is writing her own blog in about 15-20 years (or sooner, judging by your latest Interview #1). You will have to restrain yourself from saying, “Oh, [Tadpole]!”

    The Bold Soul | 12:17 pm

  105. This was such a sad post…but beautifully written…made me think

    Maxi | 8:53 pm

  106. delicious…

    the domestic minx | 1:12 pm

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