While Tadpole splashes merrily in the bath, her legs pressed together into her best impression of a mermaid’s tail, I decide to get changed. I take my MILF status very seriously, which means my cotton underwear must make way for something a little more transparent and titillating before the Boy returns home from work.
I remove my jeans and underwear, frowning at Tadpole, who appears to find my nudity a cause for hilarity.
“What on earth is so funny?” I ask, my cheeks reddening a little.
“I just laughing at your bottom,” Tadpole explains, between giggles. “It’s so big. And FAT. Like a whale.” Tadpole holds up a turquoise whale to illustrate her point – it’s one of the anti-slip shapes which adhere to the bottom of our bathtub – and traces the curve of its back with her index finger.
“A whale?” I splutter, both amused and horrified. “My bottom is like a whale?”
“Yes, like a whale,” Tadpole confirms. “Or a mountain.” She ponders for a moment, evidently searching for another simile. “Mummy…?”
“Mhm.”
“How do you say in English the bosse of a camel?”
about
books
press
fbk
petite anglaise 
Ouch! Man, Tadpole doesn’t pull any punches.
Comment by Joy — November 28, 2007 @ 12:17 pm
My three year old son said pretty much the same thing to me last night. Out of the blue, while I was undressing in front of him, he said “Mama, you’ve got a fat bum”.
I asked him who told him to say that. His response was “No one, you just have a fat bum”. I was going to blog about it but now it would just seem like I was trying to copy.
Comment by Michelle — November 28, 2007 @ 12:29 pm
Well, hump makes for a good pun in English.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings, as they say. But I’m sure it doesn’t really look that big. :)
Comment by Moses — November 28, 2007 @ 12:41 pm
harsh!! Did you tell her that someday she will have a bum like a whale too?!
Comment by susie — November 28, 2007 @ 12:50 pm
p.s. so has the Boy moved in then?
Comment by susie — November 28, 2007 @ 12:51 pm
How funny!
Kids are at the same time the best and worse thing we can have on Earth :)
I think you’re looking for the day when Tadpole will be able to moderate her thoughts :)
Comment by bloom — November 28, 2007 @ 1:10 pm
Yep, been there. My wee blog is called The Gym Isn’t Working, the phrase uttered in a thoughtful voice by my 4 year old when he was watching me get changed a few years ago. And a friend of mine was asked by her son (then 5) what it was she was putting on her face. “It’s cream to make mummy beautiful” she said (a mistake, because that is just a brilliant feed line). “I think you had better use the whole tub” he replied.
Comment by Loth — November 28, 2007 @ 1:23 pm
I wouldn’t worry, I suspect it comes with the MILF territory. Just think of it as round.
Comment by Jeremy — November 28, 2007 @ 2:04 pm
I’m just going to hope that my boys’ blindness will last as long as they live with me because I definitely don’t need anyone else to point out my flaws. Thanks for sharing the funny story, though;>
Comment by celebrate woo-woo — November 28, 2007 @ 2:13 pm
Hello,
Have you been affected by the riots at all?
Comment by basil — November 28, 2007 @ 2:34 pm
ouch! I do hope the Boy appreciated your whale, and your camel for that matter.
I was goin to make a comment about plankton seeping from the whales mouth, decided it was to grubby though.
Comment by The Inky Thinker — November 28, 2007 @ 2:39 pm
I think you should post a picture to you can get a second opinion.
Comment by tom — November 28, 2007 @ 3:47 pm
My goodness. Out of the mouths of babes. I’m sure your bum is fine. Anyway, if the boy likes it, what does it matter?
I like the new color, Petite.
Comment by Kaycie — November 28, 2007 @ 4:23 pm
I love how she put so much thought into it that *two* different animals were named. Thoughtful :)
Comment by sognatrice — November 28, 2007 @ 4:33 pm
It wasn’t Harriet Harman was it Loth? She needs a tub of something for the nose. What’s the term … vanishing cream?
Enjoyed the suggested slogan for your firm.
Comment by Eats Wombats — November 28, 2007 @ 4:55 pm
re#7 (Loth) I had to laugh out loud, that was hilarious. Yes, that’s one of the perils of being around young children. I’m a good DD cup (which has caused me much grief, but that’s another story… try to play tennis well when you can hardly get your arms across your chest for the backhand…). Anyway, when I was an au-pair, I used to look after to girls (1 and 3 years old). One day, I must have been wearing a slightly tighter top than usual, I realised that the oldest was gazing fixedly at me. So I asked her what the matter was: still completely transfixed, she went “oooh, les nénés”
I was just 19 and absolutely mortified.
Comment by Teaperson — November 28, 2007 @ 5:01 pm
Yeah. That’s the way it is with the little ones. It’s not just brutal honesty, though, but rather more like frame of reference. Of course your bottom is huge, compared to hers and from that perspective (from the bathtub). When they’re older, they become more diplomatic, but no less, er, entertaining. Being a MILF is its own satisfaction. ;)
Comment by Sophmom — November 28, 2007 @ 5:23 pm
reason number ten thousand to never have children.
Comment by Anouk — November 28, 2007 @ 5:29 pm
My amoureux’s six-year-old son apparently has “outed” my existence to his mother (they broke up last year, long before he and I met, in case you where thinking “Home-wrecker?” Next thing I know about it, SHE is asking my lover about the “grosse dame” he is seeing! OK, I know I am no anorexic Parisienne, but REALLY now! However, I am preferring to believe (i.e. delude myself) that the boy did not actually volunteer the “grosse” description, but was prodded into it by his bitter, harpish mother’s Spanish Inquisition: “Papa is seeing someone? Tell me about her! Is she thin or fat? Is she pretty? What does she look like? And she is an Américaine? Oh, mon Dieu!”
Or it is equally possible the boy just sees me as fat. To a 6-year-old with a limited vocabulary, a person is either fat or thin; there is no middle ground. Fair enough. I still like him though and he seems to like me, too; he’s a sweet boy, and I can’t fault him for noticing my zoftig-ness.
Comment by The Bold Soul — November 28, 2007 @ 6:02 pm
And P.S., I’ve met you, and I think Tadpole’s sense of perspective is definitely off. Not a whale or camel in sight, my friend.
Comment by The Bold Soul — November 28, 2007 @ 6:04 pm
Post & comments are too funny!
Comment by Matt — November 28, 2007 @ 6:24 pm
*sniggers*
Ahem.. I’m sure it’s not whale sized.
Dolphin perhaps?
Comment by Gordon — November 28, 2007 @ 7:00 pm
A whale bootie? no way luv LMAO
Comment by Beau — November 28, 2007 @ 7:09 pm
Unfortunately, children are brutal in their honesty. Even if the perception is a little off!
Comment by Therese — November 28, 2007 @ 7:43 pm
Can’t think why but after reading this post I’m suddenly humming the song by Sir Mix-a-Lot – “I love big butts and I cannot lie”
Comment by MLU — November 28, 2007 @ 7:49 pm
lol! Yes children are lovely at times. Don’t have any myself yet, thank goodness but once when I was at a friends house, her 7 year old came to sit next to me on the couch for a cuddle whilst we were watching a dvd. I was wearing a t-shirt and being sat up meant I had a few “tyres” if you like. The young boy rested his head against me and put his arm around my waist and grabbed hold of this fold of skin. When he got up to do something and then came back and resumed the same position. “Hey” I protested “why do you keep grabbing my flab?” I said. “Because I like the flab, it’s soft and squidgy” which made both his Mum and Dad burst out laughing and luckily I was more amused than insulted. “You will have to learn [boy] that you can’t talk to girls like that” I said “even if you like the flab, you never mention the flab!”
Comment by laroseanglaise — November 28, 2007 @ 8:04 pm
My eight year old boy says, “mom you’re so mushy” and means it as a compliment.
At least the bosse du chameau holds upright.
Comment by corine — November 28, 2007 @ 8:19 pm
tadpole ain’t seen no whale yet.
so glad things are going well for you. let’s have a drink when i am in paris jan and feb?
Comment by ruth — November 28, 2007 @ 8:50 pm
More bootie more bounce Mix a Lot is right hehe
Comment by Beau — November 28, 2007 @ 8:54 pm
Perhaps years from now you can teach Tadpole’s child to say the same things to her…delayed karma :)
Comment by A Seattleite in Paris — November 28, 2007 @ 9:14 pm
She is hilarious! If I were you I wouldn’t have known whether to laugh or cry!
Comment by desireenb — November 28, 2007 @ 9:21 pm
It’s a good job Tadpole didn’t have a toy Elephant in the bath!
Doesn’t ‘bare’ thinking about!
Comment by Steve... — November 28, 2007 @ 9:25 pm
Maybe you shouldn’t help her with her English ….
Comment by Lost in France — November 29, 2007 @ 12:59 am
Ben au moins à la question “Tu voudrais quoi pour noël”, elle ne te répondra pas comme ma princesse alors âgée de quelques années “une grosse maman”.
Comment by marie-hélène — November 29, 2007 @ 1:28 am
Tadpole: “How do you say in English the BOSSE of a camel?”
Response: “Why, you say, Thin, Svelte, Beautiful. That is how you say it.”
Comment by Rachel — November 29, 2007 @ 2:53 am
Charming! My 3 yr old niece saw me getting out of the shower the other day & told me I had a big bum. But she then continued on with “that’s OK, you’ve got a big tummy to match”!!!
Time to go on a diet (after christmas).
Comment by QldDeb — November 29, 2007 @ 4:35 am
I once told my mommie (being about Tadpole’s age) that her boobies looked like noodles.
Comment by sassy — November 29, 2007 @ 6:59 am
Petite’s got junk in the trunk!
“Red beans and rice didn’t miss her…”
Good that you can laugh and make us all laugh, too. What a gift.
Comment by kristenv — November 29, 2007 @ 7:29 am
At least you weren’t told that you had a big bum in the middle of a crowded supermarket, like a friend’s 3-year-old did to his mother, and at the top of his voice.
Comment by Karen — November 29, 2007 @ 11:06 am
I suppose the key thing in life is to make sure one’s brain grows faster than one’s bottom.
Comment by Winchester whisperer — November 29, 2007 @ 1:39 pm
Everything looks big when you are 3!
Comment by Bec — November 29, 2007 @ 3:18 pm
And to think we have all this to come… (latest news is that I may get three months off work to be quizzed by the children each day in just such a manner as you seem to be) :)
Comment by Jonathan — November 29, 2007 @ 4:35 pm
So you are in with the best of them now… Beyonce, J-Lo, Me…
Comment by Wendy — November 29, 2007 @ 7:10 pm
Hey, butts are the new boobs. Be proud you’re bootylicious. It seems to work well for Beyoncé and J Lo.
Comment by Franca Bollo — November 29, 2007 @ 7:14 pm
J’ai trouvé cet blog hier et comment tu m’as fait rire…
Thankyou from your newest fan…
xxx
Comment by les joues roses — November 29, 2007 @ 7:28 pm
I’m new to blogging and I love your site! I’m really looking forward to the book! Great post. It’s so good to laugh about the size of our bums ;-)
Comment by Menna Van Praag — November 29, 2007 @ 10:28 pm
I just came across your blog by StumbleUpon. I am completely intrigued as I love the French language and your wildly passionate tale. :) Will be liking you.
Jessica
Comment by Jessica — November 30, 2007 @ 3:46 am
aww thats so cool!
Comment by aimee friedland — November 30, 2007 @ 4:07 am
On a technical point, can I be my husband’s MILF or must I cast around for an alternative suitor?
Comment by Serendipity — November 30, 2007 @ 11:16 am
I reckon it’s more from a four-year-old’s perspective than anything else- wouldn’t anyone and their bottom look huge to you if you were that small?
Comment by Drusilla — November 30, 2007 @ 11:44 am
*tapping foot and wondering when so-called Boyfriend will show up and tell the world that my bottom is very nice indeed, actually*
Comment by petite — November 30, 2007 @ 12:41 pm
J’ai connu votre blog dans le glamour Français du mois de mai 2007.Le blog est très amusant (so british!)et je me demandé si vous viviez toujours en France?Bye Bye
Comment by nesrine — November 30, 2007 @ 2:29 pm
My Bottom was compared to jelly – the wobbly sort.
“Mmmmm” I replied, “this is what happens to bottoms was they get older. Yours will jiggle too one day”
Astonished disbelief – denial even.
ahh the innocence of youth…
Comment by ExAfrica1 — November 30, 2007 @ 2:54 pm
Uh-oh, looks like somebody’s going to be in the doghouse this evening!!
Comment by happyforyou — November 30, 2007 @ 4:04 pm
After the boy confirms the fabulousness of your derier can you ask him are Nintendo Wii’s as scarce in Paris as everywhere else? I seem to remember he is into computer games. I will be there next week, he might know where I should look?
many thanks!
Comment by susie — November 30, 2007 @ 4:15 pm
i’d much rather have a bootylicious bum like yours… the very first time i allowed my daughter to dress up for halloween, i bought her a great big hooked nose for her witch costumme.”ooohh..” she said, gazing into the mirror — “just like mummy”…
Comment by kitikat — November 30, 2007 @ 9:20 pm
The trouble now is: following number 51, if anyone says that your bottom is very lovely indeed, we’ll all start wondering whether that commenter is “The Boy”.
Comment by pierre l — November 30, 2007 @ 10:55 pm
Is it a really horrible thing that I have no idea what MILF stands for??? Can someone help me out here???
–confused in Oslo…
Comment by nrg — December 1, 2007 @ 6:15 pm
i don’t have kids of my own, but my students routinely grab my stomach and say “teacher! how is the baby?”
……
prepubescent bitches.
Comment by -'b. — December 2, 2007 @ 10:58 am
nrg, when I said this blog was like softcore porn I was shot down in flames. Ironic, though, that MILF is a porn term.
Comment by nobby — December 2, 2007 @ 12:32 pm
Active Tadpole live in clean water only.
Because he loves Coca-Cola.
Insead i think you have a problem with cheap mirror
you bought.
Here,pretty skewed!
(rat-a-tat)
How does look it?
Isn,t beauty?
Comment by Where is Anna Galiena? — December 2, 2007 @ 5:35 pm
From what I’ve seen of you in photos and on TV you have a very good figure – or have you put on 10 kilos in a short time? I’m very grateful Tadpole will not have the chance to see my bum. (Elephant, hippopotamus . . . .)
Comment by sablonneuse — December 2, 2007 @ 7:40 pm
Poor Petite! When I think of the shocking things along the same lines I said to my poor (and quite undeserving) mother – for a long time I was convinced that the slight tummy she had indicated that I was soon to have a new little brother or sister…
Comment by Passementerie — December 2, 2007 @ 8:40 pm
LOL – Tadpole is hilarious!
My son once slapped my behind and laughed. Like you I enquired what was so funny, and wished I hadn’t. “Your bum wobbles – like jelly!” was the answer I could have done without!
Comment by teeweewonders — December 3, 2007 @ 1:50 pm
You should take her with you at the next bloggers’ meeting, she sure would be the queen of the evening.
Comment by Parisian Cowboy — December 3, 2007 @ 2:02 pm
…arrives…gets estrogen fix…leaves…
Comment by Woody — December 3, 2007 @ 8:16 pm
nrg, don’t feel too bad. I don’t know what MILF is, either.
Confused in the USA
Comment by Judy Yeager — December 4, 2007 @ 3:00 am
I remember a very MILF acquaintance – scoring about nine on my richter scale – telling me about taking her four-year-old boy to a public swimming-pool to learn how to swim, like you do.
She said that after the mother and child class had finished, in a busy changing room while towelling herself down, she saw her child Ben looking at her with a too-interested gaze. Then pointing his finger at her, he loudly recited a line she’d taught him over lunch that day:
“Wibble wobble. Mummy! Wibble wobble…Jelly on a plate.”
She was certain the women around her were really struggling to control their laughter.
What should she have said back to him?
Comment by andrew — December 4, 2007 @ 3:16 am
Petite –
You’ve got to check out this website. There is a hilarious story about an airline using the acronym MILF in a (supposedly) completely different way. Just scroll down to the picture of the airplane. If you get to it too late send me an e-mail (I’ve saved a copy). http://www.trent.blogspot.com/.
Enjoy!
Comment by Max's Mom — December 4, 2007 @ 5:29 pm
Why on earth all the changing routine? ‘Transparent’? – what man cares if interested to start with? Nothing wrong with cotton – particularly slimline brushed cotton – it’s a natural fibre, and comfortable, so it’s very, errrm, for…er…hm. Can’t find a delicate way of explaining without becoming gross. And can’t find an appropriate smiley symbol to express in non-words.
Comment by Horatio — December 5, 2007 @ 4:50 am
Newbie visiting from ‘Almost American’. It’s because of just that kind of comment that I’m always sure to dress to perfection. In my vast experience of haute couture no-one should ever consider themselves properly attired until they have inserted ear-plugs. [but maybe that’s just me]
Cheers
Comment by Maddy — December 7, 2007 @ 3:26 am
I consider myself very lucky that my 4 1/2 year old tells me I am beautiful (even when I am not), and has never told me I am fat (which I am). The worst she has told me is that I have a “pillowy soft tummy”.
I think it is because, in the interests of self-preservation, we have never talked about anyone being fat, or even discussed the term. Seems to have worked.
Comment by monika — December 19, 2007 @ 5:38 pm
I am a boy and have always had a big wobbly bottom. My schoolmates all use to tease me about it, but I got so use to it, I just let it ride.
I was on a school PE lesson one day. It was outdoors and it was a very warm day. I wore my white t-shirt, and my shorts, as anybody does.
It was only later in the lesson, we were all asked to form a queue, unfortunately my ‘friend’ was right behind me, he was pulling at my elastic, slapping my bottom and calling me ‘wobble bum fatty’ non-stop.
He was continuously punching my bottom saying ‘wibble wobble fat bum’ non-stop. I felt so embarrassed, very fat and ugly and self-conscious.
He said – “You need shorts that are not so tight, your bum really wobbles and is fat and podgy!”
Goes to show, boys can suffer as well.. although it just doesn’t bother me, I have just grown with the belief that my bum is fat and wobbly and always looks horrible in anything white!
Comment by Paul — December 27, 2007 @ 2:29 pm
Mental note to self: do not drink and read this blog at the same time. I blew Perrier through my nostrils and all over my keyboard, this excerpt was so hilarious.
Comment by Karena — June 26, 2008 @ 11:30 am